You know, you do not exist in a vacuum.

Like it or not, you communicate with other humans and their reactions to you will come in the form of either a) reward or b) punishment.  In conversation, if your listener nods his/her head, asks questions or leans forward, these are all “cues of caring.”  They’re rewards.  And if your boss looks out the office window or takes calls while you’re talking, this is a communication “punishment.”

Every exchange, with a stranger in a restaurant or with your mother, is a series of these rewards and punishments.  Therapy sometimes takes years because the therapist becomes entertained by the patient and gives so many communication rewards that the patient must continue.

One day I realized how my friends had inadvertently trained me.  I discovered this when I was looking forward to having my regularly scheduled lunch with a buddy who is a lawyer.  I knew we wouldn’t be discussing vintage cars (one of my favorite subjects) and I knew that at some point in the conversation we’d be talking about dogs. 

How did I know this?  I know this because when I begin to discuss old cars, his eyes glaze over and he looks around the room.  I also know that his eyes light up when he tells me about new and wonderful dogs he meets in the park.  I realized that I was trained to bring him funny dog stories, articles and photos...anything about dogs.

I began to understand that I could predict the subject matter of all conversations with everyone I knew!

This is fine for a friendship and the occasional lunch.  But then I realized that this is happening on an even grander scale with closer relationships.  Our spouses and our children mold our attitudes and habits with extremely subtle communication rewards and punishment.  Sometimes they’re not subtle at all...

NOT SUBTLE:  The husband who tells his overweight wife:  “Don’t go on a diet--you get so grouchy when you go on a diet.” And she says, “I’ve only been on it for 20 minutes.”

NOT SUBTLE:  The mother who says, “Forget it.  You can’t do that,” is not being subtle.

NOT SUBTLE:  The boss who says, “Never mind.  I’ll have someone else do that.”

These are obvious.  You can find these on your own.  I want to show you the mysterious part other people may be playing in  your procrastination, weight sabotage, financial sabotage and even career sabotage.

It’s the subtle things that cause the mysterious part of this problem. 

We’ve all done this...usually in the tiniest possible ways.  We stop dancing when our spouse develops bunions.  We stop oil painting when the baby arrives.  We stop enjoying coffee alone when we move in with a partner.

You are not an island, you automatically adjust when you sail into relation-ships.

As one astute survivor of a split up said;  “You give up yourself a molecule at a time...you don’t notice it’s happening.”

He put his guitar away during that relationship. He was never meant to be separated from his music.  Some people just like to play guitar; for others it is an expression of their soul.  When the relationship ended he found his guitar on the top shelf of his closet.  When he started to play, he realized that a part of himself was back.

“My husband sabotaged my weight loss program for years,” an author said recently.  “I didn’t realize it at the time but the closer I got to a normal weight, the more nervous he got--his favorite phrase was, ‘Let’s go out for pizza.’  I don’t think pizza is on anybody’s food plan.  I persisted.  I’d go take a bath if he ordered pizza delivery and I wouldn’t come out until it was gone.”

How can you tell if someone is actually trying to sabotage your health, your finances or your weight program?

Ask yourself this question:  do they have anything to gain from my poor health, my lack of funds or my being overweight?

They may perceive that you’re easier to control when you’re not healthy.  Keeping you financially dependent or low on money also keeps you in the same boat as the saboteur.  And weight: how would this person like it if you were a normal size?  Would it be threatening...or would it prove that, by heavens, weight loss is possible (why aren’t they doing it?)

A powerful corporate vice-president told his female co-worker that his wife was sickly.  He wasn’t lying.  His wife’s health misfortunes--allergies, spastic colon, stomach upsets--were all physical problems you find on stress disease lists.  Then the co-worker noticed how attentive the man was whenever she was sick.  “He lavished attention on me and his caring really touched me.”  So much so, that they had an affair that lasted three years.  When the affair ended, the vice-president immediately started another affair with another female co-worker.

“One day I was waiting by the elevator and I overheard her (the new mistress) complaining to someone that she had developed a strange health problem, perhaps an allergy.  I got into that elevator and counted my lucky stars that I didn’t succumb to one more minute of his control.  He literally can make you sick--and you’ll never know why.”

Why would anyone that loves you want you to be sick...or poor...or fat?  For heaven’s sake, think about it!  If you were a vibrant, healthy, bucks-up person, you’d be a big worry.  We’d never know what you’d be up to next.  We can’t control you if you’re independent and healthy and fit--financially or otherwise.

A magazine editor:  “I had a big awakening when I asked myself how much my husband would really like having a wife that looked like a gorgeous model.  The truth is, he wouldn’t like it at all.  He’d be intimidated!  I never really thought he would actively sabotage me, but then I started seeing the subtle things he said and did.”

A martial arts expert:  “She wanted the weight on me because she thought I’d be less attractive to other women.  I didn’t realize this until she started doing the same thing with our teenage daughter.  Sexuality of any kind really frightened my wife and she fought it by feeding us. She thought she was protecting us.”

A hairdresser:  “I always thought of my friends as supportive until I started making some pretty good money. It was an eye-opener for me to discover that if I were really, really rich, some of my friends would be really, really gone.”

A publicist:  “I’ve never had allergies; I don’t understand this.  Oh, my husband smokes in the house and my allergist says I’m allergic to smoke.  I don’t know what’s wrong (with me). I’ve been to a half dozen doctors and they can’t figure it out.”

If you’re overweight and all your friends are overweight--you lose the weight, it’s going to be like telling them that they’re wrong.  It would take an aggressive person to do that.  If your partner is very “understanding” about your mysterious, can’t-be-diagnosed illness, perhaps they’re too accommodating.  If you spend more money shopping with friends than you do shopping alone, take a look at your behavior.

     And ask:
     What do they gain by sabotaging my efforts?
     Am I easier to control by doing this sabotage?
     Do I make them “right”?
     Do I cut myself off from activities because of this sabotage?
     Am I less active?
     Am I less accessible to other people?
     Am I more dependent because of this sabotage?
     Am I less powerful?

If you don’t feel you’re in control of your health, your weight, your finances or your career, perhaps there are people around you who subconsciously want you to feel that way.

I was walking along a windy beach in Maine contemplating a possible business offer.  It had the potential of greatly increasing my net worth.  I asked myself if there was a reason to be nervous about this situation.  “After all,” I thought, “what would actually change?  Who do I know who would act differently because of this?”  My mind went through my list of friends.  They’d all be happy for me and then it would be life as usual.  I came home from Maine with a new appreciation for my friends.  They like or dislike me independent of any financial situation.  I realized that I could go broke or win the lottery and they’d be there for me either way.

I know there are plenty of people who would love to control a loved one.  They would rather see their partners less active, less successful, less attractive and less able to do things, less able to make informed decisions. 

Self-sabotage is a human condition in all of us.  We don’t need any help from our friends and family.

“To gain victory over others is power.  To gain victory over yourself, you are all-powerful.”  Chinese proverb

NOW What?
If you suspect that a close friend or spouse or relative is contributing to your sabotage, what do you do about it?  You have many options; here are three:
     a) negotiate a change in their behavior.
     b) change yourself.
     c) change the situation.

Let’s see how these three work and how you can use them in your own situation.

A. Negotiate a change in their behavior.

It is critically important that you drop the “but-he/she-doesn’t-understand-me” song.  That’s a merry-go-round that you don’t need to get on--literally, you don’t need to go there.  They don’t need to know why you want what you want--they need to know how they can best support you.  It may seem obvious to you that ordering a pizza does not support your efforts at weight loss.  It’s not. 

There are two things for you to do:
     1.  Figure out how you want to be supported and ask for it.

If it’s a financial sabotage, for instance, you may want to ask your shopping friends to join you at a thrift store instead of the mall.  If it’s a weight sabotage and your friends typically go to a high carb Mexican restaurant, suggest a healthy alternative.  If you always eat part of your spouse’s dessert--ask them to stop offering you “bites.”  If you’re quitting smoking, ask your smoking friend to “Bogart” and not share a pack with you.

Your mistake may be that you assume those around you know how to support you in your efforts.  When it comes to weight loss, there are some people who are helped by talking about their efforts.  But there’s an equal number who say, “It would really help if nobody would ask me about it or comment on my size--even if they notice that I’m getting smaller.  This is my own private war and I want to be left alone with it.”  How would your friends or spouse know which one you want?

2.  Have the courage to tell them.

“I thought I was doing a good thing by making Jan’s favorite cookies for her,” said one grandmother.  “Then she sat me down and told me how much she appreciated my efforts but that to really, really be a support, I needed to stop it.  I had to find another way to be grandmotherly.  I love my granddaughter and I want to support her in everything she wants, even the things I don’t really understand. I had to redefine grandmother.  Instead of grandmother-who-bakes, I’m now grandmother-who-goes-to-movies.  I love to bake!  But I love my granddaughter more and I’m always looking for ways to help her out.

“She gave me the chance to change.  With the cookies, it was getting to the point that she was avoiding coming over to my house just so she wouldn’t have to deal with the temptation.  I’m so glad she had the courage to talk to me and ask for the kind of support she wanted.”

So there it is:  the word courage.  And it takes surprisingly little courage to ask for the kind of support you need.

If someone close to you appears to be sabotaging your efforts, you owe it to them to offer some direction.  Think about how you’d like to be supported--what specific things would help you?--and be clear and direct in asking for that support.

“Honey, I know you like to make your friends laugh, but when you refer to me as your better 3/4th’s’, it actually hurts my motivation.  You and I both want the same thing:  a thinner me. Let me tell you how you can help...”

This two part approach is civilized, intelligent, effective...and unfortunately, rare.  Most of us have not been trained to direct the actions of others--we’ve been trained only to desire a change in the actions of others.  You think that if they understand what you want, they’ll automatically know what to do.  (This puts them in the position of having to read your mind and this mind-reading hasn’t been working.  It will not work.)  To summarize this technique:  1) know specifically what you want and 2) ask for it.

B.  Change yourself.

“The pizza would arrive for my spouse and I’d go take a bath.  Locked in a steamy bathroom with lavender bath oil to cut the smell of the pepperoni.  I was determined that, despite anyone else’s behavior, I was going to lose the weight.  I did what I needed to do to take care of myself.”

Make a decision.  “I am a person who doesn’t eat pizza.”  “I am a non-smoker.”  “I handle money wisely.”  These can be affirmations but it’s better if they’re decisions.  Some psychologists refer to this as boundary selection.  You purposely decide what you will and won’t do on this planet, regardless of what anyone (close to you or not) says or does.  Sound selfish? 

“I’m writing a book no matter what.”  “I’m getting my degree no matter what.”  “I’m taking the weight off regardless of holidays, celebrations, my birthday, pushy waiters or my mom’s great cooking or free samples at the grocery store.”  “I’m throwing away every mail order catalog until I have my car paid off.”

Think about it.  If you were violently allergic to strawberries and someone offered you a luscious bowl of strawberry shortcake, you’d have no trouble saying, “No, thank you, I don’t eat strawberries.”  Your spouse, your co-workers and even your mom would get the message that you’re not eating strawberries.  Why should it be any different with any other food?  “I don’t eat ice cream.”  “I don’t eat donuts.”  Feel like you need an excuse--like having an allergy--and you don’t have one?  First, you don’t really need an excuse and if you did it could be as simple as, “I don’t want to.”  Your refusal to eat, drink, smoke, or buy does not require an explanation.  If you labor under the mistaken belief that you have to give an explanation, then the simple, “I don’t want to” worked when you were two years old and it will work now.

C.  Change the situation.

If you can’t negotiate a change in them and you’re unwilling or unable to change yourself, then changing the situation is all you have left.  You can change the situation in one of two ways:

1.  Give up the goal so that it no longer exists, therefore the situation no longer exists.  Give up ever writing that book, give up on the degree or your career, give up on your weight or your money plans.  Give up.

2.  Leave.  Exit stage left.

If you are unwilling or unable to leave, reread A and B options.  Too many people have opted for C-1 (give up).  They never like it.  And neither will you.

Alyce Cornyn-Selby, author of What’s Your Sabotage?, is an internationally recognized expert in the phenomenon called Self-Sabotage.  She is a popular speaker at conferences and conventions from Honolulu to London and is a frequent talk show guest for radio and television.  For more information, visit www.self-sabotage.com.

Copyright (c) 2001 Alyce Cornyn-Selby

Alyce Cornyn-Selby is an International speaker and  popular talk show guest and author of What’s Your Sabotage? and the Procrastinator’s Success Kit  available secured on-line ordering or 1-800-937-7771 or Amazon.com. 
Email questions/comments:  justalyce@usa.net
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