In an effort to be courteous, we waste our time.  When we’d rather be working, we sit listening.  Worse yet, we sit appearing to listen while our minds drift elsewhere.  Then we worry that we may have missed an important item so we come back to attention again...just in time to get more boring detail.

One person inside your head says, “Will Harry ever get to the point?  How can I get him out of my office?”

However, another voice says, ”Be nice to Harry.  Pay attention to him.”

What you really want are two things:
   1. help in cutting short those appointments, while
   2. still looking like a Nice Person (not rude and not insensitive).

(What you really want is interesting information you can use.  Frequently the Harrys in your life are not providing it.  One way to change that is to tell this person the kind of information that you DO find interesting.  Guide them into informing and entertaining you.  But til then, you need First Aid...)

The objective for today is to give you behavioral tips that will keep appointments short, sweet, and to the point...but to do that with finesse.

Right up front, let’s know that there are certain circumstances when finesse will have to go out the window.  There will be times and there will be people that, well, finesse will be inappropriate.  A symptom of a psychopath is that they don’t pick up on the behavioral cues of others.  Assuming that the Harrys in your life are NOT psychopaths, we can begin to act and react according to what we want out of a conversation.

   How do you know you are being listened to?
   What does good listening look like?
   When people observe others in conversation, they report the listener
   doing the following:

   ...giving eye contact
   ...leaning forward
   ...eyebrows go up and down
   ...they ask questions
   ...nod their heads
   ...align their shoulder axis with the speaker
   ...they may put fingers or hand to their face 
   ...they paraphrase or give feedback
   ...the listener makes little noises like “um-hum”...or  “yeah?”
   ...they may turn their heads, as in, “to give an ear to.”

When these behaviors are missing, the talker stops and within three seconds the listener speaks.

Three seconds!

Three seconds is the average length of silence an American can tolerate in a conversation!

This also tells us that you are in complete control of how long a person keeps you in conversation.

Your problem is--you stop wanting to listen, but you go on doing the same “good listening behaviors.”  You don’t give the cues that you’re finished listening!

If you want someone to stop talking, then stop encouraging their talking.  Give “I’ve finished” cues instead. 

Newspaper reporters have an interesting challenge.  Have you ever been interviewed by a good reporter?  They ask questions, then sit in rapt attention, then write--they take notes.  (Taking notes, by the way, while someone is speaking is a very flattering thing...)

So...what happens with the reporter is...you go on and on...being listened to feels so good...an hour goes by and you’re still talking.

But the reporter does have other things to do.  You were a fascinating person to talk to but the interview must end.  Reporters have to have a visual cue that lets you know it’s over.  They take that little stenotype pad and flip the cover over as they stand up.  That’s it.  They may shake your hand, but then they leave.  If they didn’t have this cue, they’d be trapped in interviews for days.

Understand that you can develop similar visual cues that can shorten and enhance your work appointments.  Here are 8 suggestions for you to consider:

Number 1 has two parts...

1-A--The Weatherman Approach.  The newscasters on television sit behind the copy desk; the weather person always stands up.  Become like the weatherman.

The next time someone enters your office and you need to keep it short: stand up.  And remain standing.  You can come from behind your desk, even extend your hand for a handshake--but remain standing.  You are guaranteed a shorter conversation.

1-B--The Urbach Approach.  You need to be standing for this one.  Alan Urbach was a successful American in the banking profession and working in England.  He knew the value of personal space--that two or three feet of air we like to keep around us--and he also knew that the English have a wider sphere of comfort than other cultures.  Step into the imaginary protected air space and the English person will move backward in order to get back their space.  When Urbach wanted to bring a conversation to a close, he got closer--not further away.  He would inch closer and closer to the talker.  “Do this,” Urbach said, “and you can back a Brit right out of your office.”

Number 2:  The Diplomat Approach.  You know the definition of a diplomat...that’s a person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to making the trip!

The Diplomatic Approach can be used on the phone as well as in person.  It is this: you simply say, “One more thing before you go...” and complete the sentence.

Number 3: The Time Manager.  Let’s say that you’re working intensely in your office and someone stops by to interrupt.  It’s the last thing you need or want.  A good time manager schedules time, right?  So, you look up from your work and say, “Harry, that’s an important problem and I want to give it my best attention.  Let’s take a look at that Thursday morning...at nine.  Can you do it then?”

In short, don’t try to listen when you just can’t.

Number 4: The Counselor Approach.  To shorten (rather than postpone) an appointment and keep it to the point, consider that a counselor has only an hour to impact his/her patient.  To bring closure to a situation, ask, “What’s the next step...?” or “What would you like to see happen next?”

   And to bring a MEETING to a close, ask, “Who’s going to do what by when?”
   EVERY MEETING SHOULD END WITH THIS QUESTION!

Number 5:  The Bartender Approach.  Too many of us try to fix whatever problems come through our door.  We lose sight of the fact that sometimes people don’t want to have their problems fixed--and when you make suggestions about what they can do, they, in turn, give you all the reasons why that won’t work.

A good bartender understands this and keeps the conversation short by giving the proper response, the response the person really wants and that is:  “Gee, that’s tough.”

If you acknowledge the person’s situation--just acknowledge it--rather than try to fix it, give options, make suggestions, then your meeting gets to the point and is over.

If you are in doubt and you can’t really tell what the person wants, then ask.
   “Harry, this sounds like it is important to you.  How can I help?”

Don’t be surprised when Harry says, “Well, you can’t, I guess.  I just needed to let somebody know.”

Number 6:  The Laser Beam Approach.  No old grievances, no outside issues.  The Laser Beam Manager deals with one problem at a time.  If another problem is introduced, the Laser Beam will restate the original problem and continue to pursue it.

For instance:
   “Who’s going to write this report?”
   “Well, I wrote it last week.”
   “Yeah, well, I took all the calls last week.”
   “Yeah, well, I took Barney the Big out for lunch last week!”
   “Why couldn’t your sales manager take Barney--it’s his turn and he’s
    had three vacations so far this year!”

Oh, no.

First we’ll deal with the report.  Get that settled.  Then deal with the calls.  Then the sales manager.  No old grievances...like what happened last week--and no outside issues.  The Laser Beam Manager concentrates fully on one issue at a time.

Number 7:  The Recorder Approach.  Handwriting your thoughts clarifies and often shortens issues.  During your next appointment, take notes.  This simple technique will help you focus on the real issues and keep the conversation on track.  This is not a grilling--it is more like you acting as the role of recorder--getting the information.  Once you write and sketch the problem on paper--an action will suggest itself.  And you’re much more likely to adopt a Plan of Action when words have been put to paper.

(If your body language is intimidating as you record your thoughts during the conversation, it is possible that the person trying to talk may interpret your writing as notes to be used against them in the future.  Use your head...and the rest of your body.  When I talk and listen to clients, I always have a pen and pad, sometimes writing down what they say verbatim and it is done in such a way as to be a compliment.  What they’re saying is important and I want to write it down.  If the person you’re communicating with thinks that you are writing in order to “build a case”, then you have a different problem here...)

Number 8:  Walls and Furniture.  One afternoon, I had people stacked up in my corporate office like planes at O’Hare.  I was sitting behind my desk when the first person came in, sat down and began talking.  Person 2 arrived and stood at the corner of my desk, waiting.  Person 3 stood in the entry.  Person 4 stood in the hall, looking past everyone--at me.  When the traffic finally cleared and I emptied my office, I had to ask myself, “What is it about my office that invites interruption?”  Whatever it was, I was ready to try anything to change it.  I invite you to do this test.

Visit your own office.  Start from down the hall and imagine you are a visitor--someone who is coming to see you.  Sit in the chair your visitor sits in.  You may get a completely different perspective about your own office.

My office walls weren’t really walls; they were very tall bookcases.  They could be moved.  Once I saw my office the way everyone else saw it, I could see how it actually invited interruption.

I got so excited when I discovered the solution that I didn’t even want to wait for the office manager to move the large bookcases for me.  I tore my office apart and put it back together again--I moved the entry away from the main flow of office traffic.  People would now have to come to the end to see if I was there.  It cut the “I just dropped by’s...” to nearly zero.  My new arrangement was a hit--not just with me, but with my staff who had their desks closest to my office doorway.

Other things can affect the length of stay a person makes in your office.  Think about it--interior designers decorate restaurants according to how fast the turnover rate should be.  Do you want people to slam dunk a meal in your restaurant and leave?  Or do you want an atmosphere for lingering conversation and warmth?

Apply the same common sense interior design methods to your office.  Do the chairs encourage people to chat or get to the point?

One attorney swore by his Chair Method.  He had two chairs for visitors--one was a straight-backed chair and the other was a soft, overstuffed chair.  This attorney said that he could tell which clients would actually see their cases through to court by which chair they selected when they were in his office.  The people who sat in the straight-backed chairs would have the tenacity to see their lawsuits completed.

Are you the kind of person who has created a friendly office and who gives great listening behaviors...and then says, “Gee, I thought they’d never leave!”

You are in control of exactly how many minutes a person stays in your office.

Alyce Cornyn-Selby, author of What’s Your Sabotage?, is an internationally recognized expert in the phenomenon called Self-Sabotage.  She is a popular speaker at conferences and conventions from Honolulu to London and is a frequent talk show guest for radio and television.  For more information, visit www.self-sabotage.com.

Copyright (c) 2001 Alyce Cornyn-Selby